Boundary Bootcamp

art collage: beautiful woman with book

Boundaries we all have them and often they are core to relationships whether with friends, our self, family, co-workers or your beloved (or maybe not so beloved). So what exactly are these essential “boundaries”?

  • Often learnt through our family of origin and major role model/social conditioning
  • A personal awareness of what you will and won’t accept.
  • It’s the knowledge of what you or others are uncomfortable and comfortable with
  • They warn us when we are detracting from, or living outside of our values
  • They act as both self-protection and a warning system.
  • They are internal and external

Boundaries teach people how to treat you and what to expect from you. They also impose limits, not just on others but also upon yourself to ensure that you don’t place yourself in dangerous situations or continue to be treated in a way that is harmful or life draining.

Boundaries when too rigid or reactive can hold us back from living fully or connecting fully because of fear and imposed limits.

Boundaries can also be too porous leaving you and others confused or resentful while eroding full meaningful connection.

 

If you imagine that every single one of us on this planet has our own invisible electric fence. These are our boundaries, we can have the electric fence set WAY to high or just as unhelpful set WAY to low ,often unaware that this is happening until problems arise.

So how do you learn what they are and most importantly how to manage these seemingly invisible boundaries?

The first step is developing your own personal awareness of boundaries and to start you off try answering these basic questions. Remember be as honest as you can and give examples if possible.

Boundary Awareness Questions

  • How do you communicate to others that a boundary is being crossed ( ie- Someone taking money/items without asking you? Being called names or put down?)
  • Do you take things personally then either bottle it all up or do you react defensively?
  • Do you tolerate rude comments or pushy people because you find conflict hard to deal with? Give some examples at work, home or with friends/loved ones.
  • When you set a boundary do you find yourself either overexplaining it, justifying or bargaining?
  • Do you have different boundary styles physically, emotionally, sexually? Give some examples.

Over the next few days keep a diary and note down your awareness of boundaries in action with the questions you answered above as a guide. Because to free yourself from the “disease to please” self-awareness is the first key to becoming more accountable for your own happiness and responses.

If you want to learn more or gain support to improve your relationships feel free to contact me for an obligation free call and make this the year that counts!

Brushing up our Happiness Habits

art collage with beautiful womanThe alarm blares its wake up sound and another day begins and your eyes begrudgingly  open up as you slowly meander out of a sleepy state. This is a pretty common event day after day ,week after week and one most people pay absolutely no attention to .In fact most people I talk to dread this part of the day and are constantly starting the day with resistance.

You get out of bed and go about the start up routine of the day. Breakfast (which can all too often be coffee ) Facebook check in then the morning ablutions of wash,get dressed, brush teeth and so it goes. Its automatic , its been drummed into us from when we were very young  with the list of tasks before you leave the house  ” Have you brushed your teeth? Do you have clean undies on? Did you go to the toilet? Is your room tidy…do you have your lunch “.  We are on auto pilot from years of habit to just go through life.

But if you were to take a moment and ask yourself  “Did you stop and brush up your happiness habit this morning ?” What would be your response? You’re probably wondering ” What the heck is that?” and “Why would it be worth focusing on?”

So let me explain.

We never leave the house with out getting dressed, we ensure our  basic hygiene or nutritional needs  are cared for and do our ablutions otherwise its very uncomfortable getting through the day. If we neglect regular diet, exercise or basic hygiene  the impact can be not just painful and smelly but incredibly expensive. But we take for granted our mental – emotional hygiene and expect to get through the day or week only to  then wonder why we are anxious, frustrated, tired and negative. Our habits tend to be automatic and familiar rather than effective and helpful.

All you need to start with is 5 minutes each morning of brushing, feeding and cleaning your happiness habit to create a knock on effect through the day which builds upon its self over time. Its not some big once a year or month rediscover, but the small and consistent steps towards creating long lasting change as Mel Robbins of The 5 Second Rule fame says “That’s what it takes to get what you want. Not big scary leaps once a year. It takes small, but irritating moves every single day.” 
― Mel RobbinsStop Saying You’re Fine: Discover a More Powerful You

It’s not as basic as, “Just do it.” If it were then the self help industry wouldn’t exist because everyone would be getting past their procrastination and fears.There’s something really important we need to understand and has to happen before we can take action, and that is that we must learn to conquer our own feelings.

Because of the way your brain is wired, when your thoughts and feelings are at war, when there is a debate between what you know you should be doing and what you  feel like doing, your feelings are always going to win. We have what is termed the divided brain https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-divided-mind/201207/logic-and-emotion  and research suggests 80% ( yes thats correct 80%) of choices are based on our emotions not our objective or rational brain.If you don’t feel like doing it, you won’t do it. Your rational brain says “get up and go for that walk its good for you” but your sleepy emotions say ” Nah stay in bed, have another coffee, do some Facebook stalking” our emotional brain wins time and time again.

So how do we change this imbalance and help brush up on our happiness habits? Firstly dont expect to FEEL motivated in the moment and understand you cant control how you feel but you can control how you think and act. I’ve included some simple starters to help you create your own happiness habits and get creative.

  • Instead of reaching for a social media zombie  fix actually reach out to someone and connect.
  • Get up and get moving! Early morning exercise has massive benefits from kick starting your metabolism,increasing mental agility, shifting our brain from sleep state into awake, improves sleeps and it goes on. https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/9-really-good-reasons-exercise-early-morning-ncna795656
  • Begin a gratitude morning routine of naming 3 things you are grateful in your life even before you get out of bed
  • Take time to journal or jot down/take mental note/write it on your mirror  one focus point for the day .
  • Read/listen or watch something uplifting.motivating or inspiring ( Ted Talks or Bored Panda are fantastic   links are here  https://carolinewilliamsnz.com/resources-and-helpful-links/anxiety/ )
  • Do a self talk check in and if your already negative ask yourself whats an alternative, what can I focus on that will bring me happiness. remeber the way we start our day is often the way we live our day.
  • Act of kindness ( tell someone you love/care or think they have done a great job) this boost our happy chemicals and others so its win win.

So my challenge for each of you reading this blog is to include in your daily routine some brushing up of your happiness habits and after 4 weeks notice the changes in your mental state and emotional wellness.

 

Brushing up our Happiness

art collage with beautiful womanThe alarm blares its wake up sound and another day begins and your eyes open up as you slowly meander out of a sleepy state. This is a pretty common event day after day ,week after week and one most people pay absolutely no attention to .In fact most people I talk to dread this part of the day and are constantly hitting the snooze button throughout the day

You get out of bed and go about the start up routine of the day. Breakfast (which can all too often be coffee ) Facebook check in then the morning ablutions, wash,get dressed, brush teeth and so it goes. Its automatic , its been drummed into us from when we were very young  with the list of tasks before you leave the house  ” Have you brushed your teeth? Do you have clean undies on? Did you go to the toilet? Is your room tidy…do you have your lunch “.  We are on auto pilot from years of habit to just go through life.

But if you were to take a moment and ask yourself  “Did you stop and brush up your happiness or inner self talk this morning ?What would be your response? You’re probably wondering ” What the heck is that?” and “Why would it be worth focusing on?”

So let me explain.

We never leave the house with out getting dressed, we ensure our  basic hygiene or nutritional needs  are cared for and do our ablutions otherwise its very uncomfortable getting through the day. If we neglect regular diet, exercise or basic hygiene  the impact can be not just painful and smelly but incredibly expensive. But we take for granted our mental – emotional hygiene and expect to get through the day or week only to  then wonder why we are anxious, frustrated, tired and negative.

All it needs to start with is 5 minutes each morning of brushing, feeding and cleaning your happiness to create a knock on effect through the day which builds upon its self over time.

Some simple pointers can include

  • begin a gratitude morning routine of naming 3 things you are grateful in your life
  • take time to journal or jot down your thoughts and what a focus for the day might be
  • read/listen or watch something uplifting.motivating or inspiring ( Ted Talks or Bored Panda are fantastic   links are here  https://carolinewilliamsnz.com/resources-and-helpful-links/anxiety/ )
  • do a self talk check in and if your already negative ask yourself whats an alternative, what can I focus on that will bring me happiness
  • act of kindness ( tell someone you love/care or think they have done a great job)

So my challenge for each of you reading this blog is to include in your daily routine some brushing up of your happiness and after 4 weeks notice the changes in your mental state and emotional wellness.

 

You Probably Think This Blog Is About You – Dating a Narcissist

Signs you’re dating a narcissist

Narcissist, it’s a word bandied around often to describe the bad behaviour of another person and in relationships it can be an easy way to explain…

Source: You Probably Think This Blog Is About You- dating a narcissist

Co dependency and relationships

Love and co dependency

Love addiction is a condition in which individuals do not fall in love with someone who will return their affection. Rather, they are attracted to somebody who will neglect the relationship. The following links provide information on this painful and debilitating issue.

Article on What Is Love Addiction?

Article on the tell tale signs of Love Addiction?

Heartbreak of being DUMPED

“Parting is all we need to know of hell.” Emily Dickinson got it right. Almost no one in the world escapes the feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, fear and fury that rejection can create. Among college students at Case Western Reserve, 93% of both men and women reported that they had been dumped by someone they passionately loved; 93% also said they had rejected someone who was deeply in love them. And these men and women were still young—with decades of love, and possible disasters, ahead of them. Ain’t love grand? You bet…when your passion is returned and things are going well. But when love is unrequited, it’s a whole other story. The following page The Anatomy of Love is jammed pack with up to date research on love, rejection,why we are chemically hijacked in love , plus informative videos and quizzes

Why rejection hurts so much?